Perils of Caffeine in the Evening

While doing internet research today on retrograde inertial cosmic behaviors, I formulated a plan for derailing global warming. It’s extremely complicated with lots of vectors and asymptotes and logarithmic rates of radioactive decay, but the takeaway for the lay community is this: we will use thousands of nuclear devices connected in series to first nudge, and then accelerate, a movement of the earth out of its current orbit around the sun and into a new orbit far enough distant from Our Mr. Sun to begin to restore our bellwether polar ice caps, and return fossil fuels from our enemies to our life-affirming friends.

Depending upon the enterprise’s margin for error, it might be a bit chilly for a millenium or so. Humans will realize how much they miss mastodon meat, and those hot platypus-fur teddys. In the worst case, we’ll be wearing red ball caps exhorting Make Pluto A Planet Again as we hurtle out of the solar system.

In case you’re wondering, I first achieved my bona fides as a scientist toiling tirelessly in front of my 5th-grade Gilbert chemistry set, unlocking the mysteries of the interaction of my Bunsen burner and the varieties of bourbon titrated from my dad’s liquor cabinet. This research is ongoing, although the supply chain has shifted.